perpetual joke thread

[enjenjo]

Winter weather will be here very soon. So be ready for it and prepare your ride before it arrives.
The following are a dozen helpful tips for winterizing your car, plus one bonus tip:.
1. Reverse your battery cables so that the heat comes on instead of the air conditioning.
2. Change the air in your tires from the hot summer air to drier cold winter air to avoid getting a flat.
3. Loosen your lug nuts so they won't freeze to the wheel in case you do get a flat.
4. Check your blinker fluid and top it off if needed.
5. When you get home at night after driving your car and it's is still warm, place a wet towel on the windshield to insulate it and hold the heat in for the next morning so you don't have to scrape the glass.
6. Sharpen your wiper blades to better cut through any ice and snow on your windshield while you're driving.
7. Demagnatize your muffler bearings to keep your exhaust fluid from freezing.
8. Make sure you have a left-handed metric screwdriver in case you need to adjust your thermostat.
9. Run a hose from your tailpipe to the inside of your car to recycle the heat from your exhaust.
10. If you change your own oil make sure and leave the engine running while you do it so the oil doesn't freeze and clog up your oil plan and drain plug.
11. Remove your front tires because the edges of your rims will dig into the ice and give you precise steering.
12. If your gas cap becomes difficult to unscrew take a lighter and burn off the hardened residue built up on the inside of the hole.
Bonus Tip: Drive south until you see palm trees. Then apply the brakes and sunscreen.

[jaybee]

The best Yugos were the ones sold in the last year of production. They had a heated rear window to help keep your hands warm while pushing.

[enjenjo]

Technical help

[enjenjo]

I need one of these  https://drivetribe.com/p/who-needs-a-boost-gauge-when-you-ditwv-gUT_OlSyS7NPFQww?iid=VT4OI0sFSHe3la_B1ATwiA

[jaybee]

What sound does a witch's hot rod make?

Broom, Broom!

[ragdol]

If a clown laughs, does it sound funny?

[wayne petty]

 how many of you have seen the Dan Aykroyd movie Dragnet.. the pornographers house is actually a catholic nun retreat here in Los Angeles... in the mid 1980s. Same property Katy Perry was trying to buy.. . i was sent over to look at a broken car there..  i looked at it.. told them the cost to fix it.. the Rev Mother ask for the keys.. they were still in the car.. rev mother said. lock the car and bring back the keys..  as i returned and knocked on the door.. a novice Nun opened the door.. she was so pretty that i could not talk right.. i think i had the same effect on her.. i spotted the rev mother giggling off to the side.. all i could say were Kkkeeeeyyyysss.  the Rev Mother looked back and forth and realized that her prank had gone sideways.. she ripped the keys from my hand and slammed the door..  i took that as a signal to GTFO Now..  i still have the novices face burned in the back of my brain..  so i guess that would put me in the Perpetual joke club..

in all truth.. if that door had stayed open another 10 or 15 seconds.. i might have said lets go..

my worst nightmare would have been if the Rev mother has said.. ill be ready in 5 minutes..

[idrivejunk]

Two young'uns reluctantly climb out of bed on a Saturday and arrive at the breakfast table. Mother sweetly inquires of the gruff eldest: What would you like for breakfast?

"Just gimmie some dang corn flakes!" is the snotnosed reply.

WHAM! Father backhands the smartmouth so hard it tips the chair over. "Don't you dare speak to your mother that way!" he barks.

After a silence, mother asks the younger what he would like. Cowering, in a sheepish tone he says...

"Um. I don't know. But I sure don't want none of them dang corn flakes!

[chimp koose]

Lufkin has announced they will not be making their prized yardsticks any longer . It is the companys feeling that they have made them long enough . After all 36" is a yard !

[34ford]

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."
19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

[chimp koose]

"did you bring the money?" LMAO

[jaybee]

I had great memories in the car I owned with a very low reverse gear. It really took me back.

[idrivejunk]

An old cajun man told me my headlights were out of adjustment once. He said I had one digging ditches and the other hunting squirrels.

[chimp koose]

I once had a girlfriend with a wooden leg named Peg . She worked at the IHOP . She ticked me off one day so I broke it off .

[jaybee]

What was the name of her other leg?