perpetual joke thread

[enjenjo]

[jaybee]

Would that be the "old time more rockin' rolls?

Indeed it would. 

[enjenjo]

The guy at the car dealership said the vehicle I inquired about would seat 5 people without any problems. Then it suddenly occurred to me, I don't think I know 5 people without any problems.

[34ford]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[enjenjo]

My wife told me the other day that there was a mouse in the kitchen that was nibbling on her doughnuts. So I dug out the old Victor mouse trap and set it in the doughnut box.

The next morning I checked the trap, and it was gone.   I figured my wife had removed it, but a while later she told me she found the trap, with a mouse in it under a frying pan on the stove. The mouse was still alive, with one hind foot caught in the trap. I was going to adjust it's attitude with a block of wood, but she told me not to kill it, so I took it outside and released it.

So yesterday I was setting on the porch in the morning, and when I went in, I told my wife that the mouse walked by me with crutches and a cast on it's leg and gave me a dirty look as it went by.

I went out on the porch again a bit later and told my wife that I saw the mouse again along with a couple more mice. I said they were looking at me and drawing their thumb across their throat.

So last night I was going out again and she told me to take a hammer to protect myself from the mice. That is why I love this lady.

[chimp koose]

Why don't they play poker in the jungle ? Too many cheetahs

[chimp koose]

Which of King Arthur's knights built the round table ? Sir Cumference .

[enjenjo]

Positive ground depends on proper circuit functioning, which is the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke". Smoke is the thing that makes electrical circuits work. We know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of an electrical circuit, it stops working. This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.
 For example, if one places a copper bar across the terminals of a battery, prodigious quantities of smoke are liberated and the battery shortly ceases to function. In addition, if one observes smoke escaping from an electrical component such as a Lucas voltage regulator, it will also be observed that the component no longer functions. The logic is elementary and inescapable!

 The function of the wiring harness is to conduct the smoke from one device to another. When the wiring springs a leak and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterward.

 Starter motors were considered unsuitable for British motorcycles for some time largely because they consumed large quantities of smoke, requiring very unsightly large wires.

 It has been reported that Lucas electrical components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than their Bosch, Japanese or American counterparts. Experts point out that this is because Lucas is British, and all things British leak. British engines leak oil, British shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and disk brake systems leak fluid, British tires leak air and British Intelligence leaks national defense secrets.

 Therefore, it follows that British electrical systems must leak smoke. Once again, the logic is clear and inescapable.

 In conclusion, the basic concept of transmission of electrical energy in the form of smoke provides a logical explanation of the mysteries of electrical components especially British units manufactured by Joseph Lucas, Ltd.

 And remember: "A gentleman does not motor about after dark."

 Joseph Lucas "The Prince of Darkness" 1842-1903

 A few Lucas quips:

• The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
• Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.
• Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.
• Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
• The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.
• The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
• If Lucas made guns, wars would not start
• Back in the '70s, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

 Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators.