perpetual joke thread

[enjenjo]

At the end of this time, he has every single dance of every single indigenous culture in the world. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well-earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.

The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the Butcher Dance.

The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"

"What? You haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"No, I've never heard of it."

"Oh mate. You are crazy. How can you say you filmed every native dance if you haven't seen the Butcher Dance?"

"Umm. I got a corroboree on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"

"No no, not corroboree. Butcher Dance is much more important than corroboree."

"Oh. Well how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"

"Mate, Butcher Dance is right out in th' bush. It takes many days of travel to go see Butcher Dance."

"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic, filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance!"

"OK, mate. You drive north along Stuart Highway towards Darwin. After you drive 250km, you'll see a dirt track off to the left. Follow the dirt track for 150km until you see a huge, dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever seen. Here you gotta leave the car, because it's much too rough for driving. You strike out due West into the setting sun. You walk three days til you hit a creek. You follow this creek to northwest. After two days you reach a place where the creek flows out of rocky mountains. It's much too difficult to cross the mountains here though. You now head south for a half day til you see a pass through the mountains. The pass is very difficult and very dangerous. Takes two, maybe three days to get through the rocky pass. When you're through, head northwest for four days until you reach a big huge rock - 15m high and shaped like a man's head. From whi rock, walk due west for two days and you reach a village. Here you'll see the Butcher Dance."

So, the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snail's pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk, and he's forced to set up camp for the night.

He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he has never heard mentioned before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until he reaches the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills, confident that nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.

The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as his guide said, and at times he almost despairs of getting his bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort he finally forces his way clear and continues his long trek. When he reaches the huge rock, four days later, his water is running low and his feet are covered with blisters. Yet he steels himself and heads out on the last leg of his journey. Two days later he virtually staggers into the village where the Aborigines feed him and give him fresh water. He begins to feel like a new man. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village Elder and tells him that he has come to film their Butcher Dance.

"Oh mate. It's very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You're too late. You missed the dance!"

"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"

"Not 'til next year!"

"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"

"No, no, no. Butcher Dance is very sacred. Only held once a year. If we hold more, the spirits get very angry. You want to see Butcher Dance? You come back next year."

The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.

The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week with the Aboriginal people before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.

Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few kilometres, finally forcing him to abandon his vehicle and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. He reaches the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain he is struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which he is forced to cling forlornly to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before he has travelled a kilometre out from the mountains, he sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of his journey to the rock enormously. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long he has been travelling, he staggers into the community at about 12 noon.

"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"

The Elder recognises him and says, "No, whitefella, Butcher Dance performed tonight. You arrived just in time!"

Relieved beyond measure, he spends the rest of the afternoon setting up his equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid. As dusk falls, the Aborigines start to cover their bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in bird feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the dancers form a circle around a huge roaring fire.

A deathly hush descends over the performers and spectators alike, as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant.

"Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man," thinks the guy, and he whispers to the Elder, "What's he doing?"

"Hush,"whispers the Elder. "You're the first whitefella to ever see the most sacred of our rituals. You must remain silent. This holy man, he asks that the spirits of the Dreaming watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."

The chanting of the holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of clapsticks reverberate out across the land and the dancers begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.

The guy is becoming caught up in the fervour of the moment himself. This is it. He now realises beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by humanity.

The Elder strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing.

"You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."

[Bruce Dorsi]

You got me good on that one, Frank!   

Obviously that was a cut & paste, or you started typing a year ago.

[idrivejunk]

He should have ridden Gumby's hokey horse. That was a long ride for a little campfire.

Whitefeller was Tonto's radio horse when they were making Model Bs.

[chimp koose]

happy easter ..... what is the easter egg's least favourite day ? Friday . Did you know the easter bunny sidelines as a waiter ? Yup he works at the IHOP . What is the easter bunny's favourite music ? Hip Hop !

[enjenjo]

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but * everyone off is a piece of cake.

I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there's a new strain out there.

It's not my age that bothers me, it's the side effects.

I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of . . . it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: "I can't see you anymore . . . I'm not going to let you hurt me again." My personal Trainer's response to me was: "It was only one sit-up."

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Fruit and Veg Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

If you find yourself feeling useless, remember it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round. . .and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on just one.

I put my scale in the bathroom closet and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time" isn't the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old you stop being polite and start being honest.

[58 Yeoman]

"I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas."

I don't want to be 18 again.  I couldn't take it.

[chimp koose]

"and then he made the world round and laughed and laughed "  you killed me with that one !

[kb426]

I was the "life of the party" telling some of those today. Even my wife laughed.

[jaybee]

Not a joke, but pretty funny...

Someone I know took the kids' hamster to the Vet because it hadn't moved in 3 days. It just huddled against the back of the cage in the same place. They gave it water with a dropper but it didn't make a move to eat.

The Vet came out and asked if there was anything unusual about the activities of the little rodent recently. Not much, but it escaped its cage for a few days and they found it under the refrigerator.

"Well," the Vet said, "that would explain the refrigerator magnet it stuffed in its cheek." Sure enough, after they put it back in its cage it got its face magnetically stuck to the side.

[chimp koose]

Jaybee , that one is priceless ! Wife got the giggles.

[enjenjo]

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so. I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."

The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

[kb426]

 

[chimp koose]

 

[jaybee]

I made some Moroccan rolls this week. They're pretty tasty, even though I had to use thyme from an jar that's been clear at the back of the spice shelf forever.

I like the old thyme Moroccan rolls.

[enjenjo]

Would that be the "old time more rockin' rolls?