Random musings...

Ohio Blue Tip · June 08, 2004, 02:05:07 PM

These are great!!! Enjoy.

Two TV antennas meet on a
roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says"I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly, "I
was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said
Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

What is a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

DRD57 · June 08, 2004, 04:16:33 PM

A Rabbi, a hooker and a monkey walk into a bar and the bartender says" What is this, some kind of joke?"

Fat Cat · June 08, 2004, 05:57:51 PM

Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey Nice bike! Where did you get it?"

"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this
pretty, young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have anything you want!!'"

"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Rayvyn · June 08, 2004, 07:49:16 PM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Rayvyn · June 08, 2004, 07:56:37 PM

A little boy gets lost at a large shopping mall.
He starts crying and goes off to find help.
He runs across a Policeman, who asks "What's wrong little boy?"
The little kid says "I've lost my Grandpa."
The cop asks "Well, what's he like?"
The kid replies "Jack Daniels and women with big ***$."

Rayvyn · June 08, 2004, 08:01:42 PM

2 old hillbillies were out on the front porch of their cabin, whittlin' sticks and drinkin' their moonshine, when this beat up old mangy hound dog comes out of the woods, wanders up to the porch, flops over, and starts lickin' himself to a fever pitch.

The first hillbilly says to the other *, Slim, I wish I could do that."

Slim says "Go right ahead. Rover's not a mean dog."

parklane · June 09, 2004, 09:22:22 PM

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk

Why do they bury lawyers 10' deep when they die instead of the customery 6'?

Cause way down deep, they are good guys

parklane · June 09, 2004, 09:37:22 PM

At a marriage seminar, after talking for quite some time, the speaker said that he wanted to take a poll about his subject, which was "The more often you make love to your mate, the happier you are. So he asked, Would the people that make love at least 3 times a week, please stand up. Several people stood, and all seemed happy by the smile on thier faces. This went on to once a week, once a month, once every two months, etc. Finally he asked " Is there anyone here that only has it once a year"? To his amazement, a little guy at the back of the room, jumps up, shouting YA, YA, ME,ME,ME, with great enthusiasm!!! The speaker looks at the man, and asks him, why could he possibly be so wound up, if he gets his gollies once a year. The man replies " Tonites the night"!!!

47wood · June 11, 2004, 07:54:40 PM

This blonde goes into a New York bank and says I'm headed to Paris for 2 weeks and want a $5,000 loan for expenses. The banker says we don't usually make those kind of loans ...what do you have for collateral? The blonde says my Rolls Royce is parked out front and I've got the title here in my purse. The bankers looks out front to see a brand new Rolls. So he makes her the loan and tells an assistant to move that Rolls around to the bank garage. Well, they have a few remarks about the dumb blonde that put up a Rolls as collateral for just a $5,000 loan. When she returns from Paris she comes in to pay off the loan ...for just 2 weeks the interest is $15.41. The banker says; we checked you out and you're worth millions, so why did you need the $5,000 loan? And the blonde replied; do you know anywhere else in New York I could park a new Rolls Royce for 2 weeks for just $15.41 and have it still there when I got back?

Fat Cat · June 16, 2004, 10:43:45 PM

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know
each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
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Are you ready for this!!?
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Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...
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Really bad...
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"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER

Fat Cat · June 17, 2004, 08:14:51 PM

Q: What do you call a penguin that can lift a polar bear?

A: Sir

mrloboy · June 17, 2004, 09:57:11 PM

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

It all depends on how thinly you slice them!

Fat Cat · June 17, 2004, 10:45:48 PM

Quote from: "mrloboy"How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof?

It all depends on how thinly you slice them!

You can't slice them too thin their hides are only waterproof on the outside.

river1 · June 18, 2004, 01:57:35 AM

You have to answer a question at the end of this, so pay attention!

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game at the ballpark. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park.

The game is very exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely while mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and there are still several innings to go.

Now then, based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?

You need to use your deductive reasoning on this a la Sherlock Holmes.

Think!

Think some more ...
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Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded.

later jim

parklane · June 18, 2004, 08:51:42 PM

Several months ago I went to Africa on a safari, but all i carried was a camera. One day while walking through the game reserve, I turned around, and was shocked to see a lepord about 100' behind me. Looking around for a tree to climb, the only thing in site was about 400 feet away, with the lowest branch at least 15' off the ground. Looking again, I see the cat coming after me. Well, what do you do?? Run for the tree, like your life depends on it. Somehow, the cat hasn't caught me yet, so with all my might, I jump up for the branch. Of course I missed it, but I'll tell you what, I sure got it on the way down!

John