Random musings...

[SKR8PN]

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

[SKR8PN]

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, "Gee, I hate my mother-in-law." The 2nd cannibal replied, "So, try potatoes.

[SKR8PN]

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw cheerios?
A: Donut seeds

[KustomLincolnLady]

Not bored or anything are ya Jim???  LMAO  

[KustomLincolnLady]

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a
flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if
she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired,
just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and
rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer
persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of
fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know
the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know
the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there
will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into
the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet
and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated,
he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers
but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more
sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the
blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands
the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
And you thought blondes were dumb.

[KustomLincolnLady]

This one has always been one of my favs!!!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
The wife says, "That's it. I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce,
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the
Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage and no more country club. You might even have to get a job. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a
gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress, " replies her husband.
"Ours is prettier, " says the wife as she sips her wine.

[58 Yeoman]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, preez to take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Diseaz. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary rike your *."

[Jimc]

As two blondes wwere walking on the street, one found a compact.
She picked it up, opened and said" Ummm, this person looks familiar."
the second blonde says."Lemme see that, Why, you dummy, It is me!"

[Jimc]

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed.. She telepnoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit responded. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the Blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and the dog, and then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned," I come home to find all my possesions stolen, I call the police for help, and what  do they do?

"They send me a blind policeman!"

[PeterR]

A woman explained to her doctor that her husband was always too exhausted after work to show any interest in the bedroom.

The doctor produced a tiny bottle of clear liquid and passed it to the woman with wink.  Then instructed her to greet her husband after work in her sexiest dress, have a romantic candle lit dinner, and then slip two drops of the liquid into his coffee, the rest would take care of itself.

A week later she visited the doctor for another matter and of course he asked how the "treatment" had worked.

With a beaming smile the woman went into great detail describing the beautiful candle lit dinner, the wonderful desert, then slipping the doctor's potion into the husband's coffee.     How within minutes of drinking the coffee the husband embraced her, ripped off her dress, with one arm swept everything off the table while with the other arm pushed her onto the table then made passionate love over and over again.

With a wry smile the doctor said I guess that was a quite a memorable dinner.  The wife answered yes it was, and the other patrons at the restaurant won't forget it for a long time either.

[SKR8PN]

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

[SKR8PN]

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. After he didn't move for a half-an-hour, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me.

"When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison ..."

[SKR8PN]

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog, are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words liver and cheese, in the same sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."

The female Collie says, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."

She says, "That's not creative."

Finally, the Taco Bell Chihuahua says, "Liver alone -- cheese mine."

[SKR8PN]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

[Fat Cat]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They are all lined up at the Pearly Gates, and because of the grief they have experienced; God decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter eternal paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous", and so God snaps his fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only 10 people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his face off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and replies "Make 'em all ugly again."