A Visitors Guide to Australia

[TJ's Dad]

   

Want to visit Australia? Have some questions? These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism web site. The answers came from a fellow Aussie.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 5000km, take lots of water...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, We wash.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. But only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: No, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)  
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on Navy R&R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

.

[Anonymous]

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking

You forgot to ask the other  :?: ( well nearly all ) all ask from the US.

How many 34 Coupe Utilitys do you have in you back yard, paddock, shed or workshop and do you have Kangaroos nesting in them ?
                 

[TJ's Dad]

Reminds me of the time i was attending a conference at the Regent Hotel in Melbourne and met an American psychiatrist .
It was during a Tram strike and Bourke St was lined with trams ,in those days the trams were only 2 colours ,the W Class were all green and the newer ones were all painted orange.

Well this obviously well educated intelligent chap asked me why the trams were parked in lines of green ones and orange ones ...

After a quick explanation of our ancesterary being Irish and that the orange ones were for Protestants n green ones for the Micks he informed me he'd travel in the green ones !!

.

[Mr Cool]

I saw that list several years ago, they were questions asked by people wanting to visit the Olympic games, and asked on the 'games website.

[38HAULR]

Never ceases to amaze me.Sometimes I think that a lot of the rest of the world knows little about us.Going by the so called "asylum seekers" knowledge is limited to the workings of our legal and  welfare system.....Frank.