OT but I figure Hot Rodders will understand it....

Carps · February 19, 2004, 12:05:44 AM

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature.

What in the world is going on down there on that planet Earth? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, with stand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there,Lord.The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, LORD. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, LORD. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber,' Lord. It's a real stupid movie about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.

Sean · February 19, 2004, 12:32:02 AM

Have you run out of something to do?

Carps · February 19, 2004, 01:28:15 AM

I should be mowing the grass, but I'm not.

enjenjo · February 19, 2004, 01:52:59 AM

Quote from: "Carps"I should be mowing the grass, but I'm not.

Smokin' it again huh?

nzsimon · February 19, 2004, 05:34:11 AM

I have a man come in and mow mine mowing grass is something I have never been happy doin rather concrete the whole yard and paint it green

SKR8PN · February 19, 2004, 07:12:03 AM

What a different world from myself! I enjoy that time on the tractor while I am mowing.Sometimes I even go over and mow for my neighbor! It is a sort of "down time" for me, and I HATE to be interupted while I am mowing.

jaybee · February 19, 2004, 07:57:52 AM

Is it that brown stuff underneath the snow?

BarryM · February 19, 2004, 08:06:34 AM

After the weed whacker, and the pruner, and the trash along the highway, picking up the ballfield, pool and dog toys, trimming a few bushes and trees with the chain saw, what a pleasure to putt around for a few hours on the hydro drive mower.
That is until the wife says "What are you doing with my mower".
At least later I can do some of it over crosswise to get that ballfield look .
If i let it go back to briars taxes will go up agian, punishment for raising a cash crop, so may as well keep it looking good. A couple of feet of snow on it now, don't have to sweat it anytime soon.

Jimc · February 19, 2004, 08:21:57 AM

Things I have learned about fescue.
1. Do not plant it.
2. If you do plant it, do not fertilize it.
4.If you do fertilize it Do not water it.
5. If you must plant, fertilize, water Fescue, then you had better spend an amount equal to a King's ransom on a lawn mower, put on a radio/tv, cup holder, then spend all your time mowing.
Oh! Sell your hot rod to pay for the mower machine.

Carps, that may have been meant as humorous, but rings too true.

Jim

purplepickup · February 19, 2004, 09:30:51 AM

This must mean that I might be more Godly than some people think. I don't have a lawn....but I do have a yard which has about everything growing in it that has roots. I definitely don't fertilize, use chemicals or water it. I mow it every once in a while but in between mowings it usually has patches of different colored flowers and stuff. The only thing I do try to control is the thistles and poison ivy cuz the grandkids are allergic to it.

Heck, I just thought I was being lazy.

Sean · February 19, 2004, 10:18:46 AM

Quote from: "purplepickup"The only thing I do try to control is the thistles and poison ivy cuz the grandkids are allergic to it.

You have never fully experienced life until you take a whiz in the woods, only to find out a few hours later that you had somehow managed to get Poison Ivy on your hands.

41ChevyTrucker · February 19, 2004, 12:32:27 PM

LOL very true and funny. My goal is to have nothing but grass and patio in my backyard by the end of summer. This will be my second spring clearing out my backyard so I can cover it with grass. I have taken out probably 20 pickup truckloads of bushes, shrubs, 5 decrepit fruit trees and tons of landscape timbers, rocks and concrete. I'm still not done. Have to bust up some more concrete, clear out more bushes and dig up some stumps. Luckily my brother-in-law is back from the Marines and is helping me out. If I can have my yard done and my truck on the road in 2004 it will be a banner year.